Yesterday Tim called me around 11:45 am and started talking as soon as I answered. As is often the case, I couldn't understand immediately what he was saying, but I finally heard that he felt he was stuck "in this room with no communication." It is one of those mornings when his short term memory kicks in and reminded him that he was supposed to be at our house watching the the inauguration on TV. (He has a TV but is convinced it doesn't work.) I explained that the kids were in the midst of piano lessons and that we couldn't watch the ceremonies yet since the piano is in the same room as the TV but that I would be over soon. As I drove to pick him up, the radio broadcast told me that we had missed the main events of the day. I knew it was going to be a rough afternoon.
As he got in the car, his agitation was obvious. I asked him whether he had tried to listen to the events on his radio. He defensively replied that it didn't work. Fearing what was coming, I asked him if we could go back for his radio so I could see what was wrong. He told me that he had tried to fix it and it didn't work so "pfft," and he motioned with his hands like he was throwing something out. My stomach clenched and I think I emitted a groan.
I should be used to this by now, but I still sometimes react before I can stop myself. If he can't make something work, he throws it away. The list of "broken" and tossed items includes three coats (cut up), a space heater, all his remotes, his loafers (shoelaces wouldn't go through holes), two CD player/radios, and a clock. These are the ones we know about. In addition, he cut through the cables from his Bose stereo system after not being able to operate it. (We just packed it away in the basement until we see if we can make it usable.) I've spoken with several people at the Alzheimer's Association and they agree it is unusual behavior, even for Alzheimer's. Usually the person won't throw anything out.
This newest radio was purchased about three months ago when he claimed his other one didn't work. Fortunately he asked me if he could buy a new one before he threw out the old one. I rescued it and brought it home. We found one at Meijer that he liked that had three radio presets so I could set his favorite stations-Blue Lake Public Radio for classical music, Wood FM for talk and news, and Moody Radio for preaching and music. It is similar to one we have that has served us well for a couple years.
Since then, until the last week or so, he has been raving about how much he loves this new radio. He loves listening to Rush and Glenn Beck mostly. It makes him feel like he is in touch with the news. We were happy because he seemed more content to spend time alone at the apartment. "I figured out the system," he said one day when I was picking him up for supper. "If I put it right here where the sun can shine in on it, it works perfectly. But it has to have the sun on it." This is Alzheimer's...it takes a brain that used to work on electronics in the Navy and replace wiring in his church and convinces that brain that a radio has to have sun on it to work. In a way I can see the logic. When the sun is shining, the weather is nice, so the reception is better. That much makes sense. However, Tim is convinced that is the sun shining on the antenna that makes it work. And, in keeping with all we know about the disease, we haven't tried to dissuade him of this.
To come back around and bring this story to an end, I called Ray and asked him if he had seen the radio the night before when he had stopped by the apartment. He said that it was still there and that he would pick it up on his way home. It wasn't on the side table in the living room when he got there. Sure enough, Tim had thrown it away, but Ray was able to find it in the dumpster. He must have thrown it away right before I came.
This afternoon I called Tim to see if we could go grocery shopping and restock his pantry for the week. He became a little incoherent again but he started over and said he needed to apologize to me for the radio thing. He asked if he could buy a new one. I thanked him and said we would talk about it with Ray, knowing that we had the radio at home. Ray cleaned it up and tested it. It works fine. So Tim has his radio again and is all ready for the next sunny day.
Psalm 77:6 - I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search:Tonight, in an effort to keep my eyes fixed on truth, I searched the ESV for some verses with the word "remember." Twelve pages of results wait for me. Remembering is an important concept in the Bible. The first page was primarily results from the wilderness wanderings of Israel, reminding the people to remember what God has done and who he is.
And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. Deuteronomy 8:2Sometimes this Alzheimer's journey can seem like a wilderness, with us not knowing what is ahead. But God has led me for 42 1/2 years and I must hold the whole way He has led me in my heart. I am thankful for this trial of Alzheimer's if it does humble me, showing me what is in my heart and whether I am keeping his commandments to love the Lord my God and to love my neighbor as myself.
I pray that this will not be said of me, even as I groan inwardly over some of the challenges. Alzheimer's sometimes seems like the enemy on every side, but it isn't. I can rejoice in this becauset He has delivered me (is delivering me) from my sin, my self-centered heart, and from death-the greatest of my enemies:
Judges 8:34 - And the people of Israel did not remember the LORD their God, who had delivered them from the hand of all their enemies on every side,I am thankful that Tim can still pray and rejoice in his faith, and I need to ask him about his faith journey more often, while he can still remember.
Deuteronomy 32:7 - Remember the days of old; consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you, your elders, and they will tell you.And a couple more to end...
For the nights when worries press in: Psalm 63:6 - when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
For the days that stretch long Psalm 25:6 - Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Psalm 103:14 - For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.
My hope rests in God who promises to remember, who is faithful even when I am faithless, and who loves Tim and the rest of my family with an everlasting love.
